Life Lately

HI PRETTY PEOPLE. IM OFF TODAY SO I’M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING THE ENTIRE DAY WITH MAV. WE HAVE AN EXCITING ZOO DATE ON TUESDAY WITH SOME BABY FRIENDS, SO TODAY IT’S ALL ABOUT US DOING MOM AND MAV THINGS, AKA, CHILLING AT HOME AND GETTING CHORES DONE. I’VE DECIDED TO MAKE “LIFE LATELY” A REGULAR CATEGORY ON HERE BECAUSE SOMETIMES I HAVE A FEW THINGS TO TALK ABOUT BUT, JUST ONE BLOG POST TO WRITE. SO HERE WE ARE AGAIN WITH ANOTHER, LIFE LATELY.

THERE ARE A FEW THINGS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT TODAY. FIRST OFF. JUNE HAS BEEN SUCH AN AWFUL MONTH ALREADY AND I FOR ONE AM HAPPY WERE HALF WAY THROUGH WITH IT. I LOST A REALLY GOOD FRIEND JUNE 2ND. HE WAS ONLY 26 AND DIDN’T GET TO LIVE THE LIFE HE SHOULD HAVE. I WAS BULLIED IN HIGH SCHOOL, TO THE POINT WHERE I HAD TO LEAVE MY SCHOOL, AND DO AN ACCELERATED PROGRAM IN ORDER TO GRADUATE. ALL OF MY “FRIENDS” STOPPED TALKING TO ME, BUT HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO REACHED OUT TO ME. WE BOTH WOULD SNEAK OUT OF OUR HOUSES AT NIGHT AND MEET IN MY BACKYARD, AND HE WOULD LET ME CRY ON HIS SHOULDER FOR AS LONG AS I NEEDED. WHEN I MADE THE DECISION TO LEAVE INDIANA TO WORK AS A LIVE IN NANNY IN MARYLAND, WE CONTINUED TO KEEP IN TOUCH. WE STILL TALKED WHEN I LEFT TO WEST VIRGINIA FOR COLLEGE, AND WHEN I MADE MY BIG MOVE TO CALIFORNIA, WE WERE STILL TALKING ALL THE TIME. SLOWLY, I MOVED ON WITH MY NEW LIFE IN CALIFORNIA AND WE TALKED LESS AND LESS. FAST FORWARD A FEW YEARS LATER AND HE MESSAGED ME OUT OF THE BLUE ON FB AND NOTHING HE SAID MADE SENSE. I CHOSE TO SEND “HAHA” NSTEAD OF ASKING IF HE WAS OKAY, AND NEVER HEARD BACK. I DISMISSED THAT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. TWO YEARS LATER AND HE MESSAGED ME AGAIN SAYING HE MISSED ME AND HOPED I WAS DOING WELL. I SENT BACK “I HOPE YOU’RE DOING WELL TOO.” AS IF WE HAD NEVER BEEN CLOSE. LAST YEAR IN NOVEMBER I RECEIVED A CALL FROM HIS B.I.L SAYING HE WAS IN ALL SORTS OF TROUBLE ANSD MY HEART BROKE FOR HIM. THATS WHEN I DECIDED TO START REACHING OUT AGAIN. I HAD NO IDEA HOW BAD THINGS HAD GOTTEN FOR HIM, AND I NEEDED TO BE THERE FOR HIM THE WAY HE WAS FOR ME. WE TALKED SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK, AND WE EVEN FACE TIMED SO HE COULD SEE MAV. BUT AGAIN, I BECAME SO CONSUMED IN MY EVERY DAY LIFE THAT I SORT OF FORGOT ABOUT HIM. THEN ONE DAY HE CALLED ME, AND I DIDN’T CALL BACK. I TEXTED HIM THAT ID CALL IN AN HOUR, AND I NEVER DID. FOUR DAYS LATER, HE DIED. I DON’T BLAME MYSELF FOR HIS DEATH, BUT I FEEL SO MUCH GUILT FOR NOT CALLING HIM BACK. FOR NOT TELLING HIM THAT I LOVED HIM, OR THAT THINGS COULD GET BETTER. IM ANGRY THAT HE’S NOT HERE ANYMORE BECAUSE HE DESERVED TO LIVE A GOOD LIFE. HE WAS ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET, AND HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART.

J DIDNT DIE BY SUICIDE. BUT AFTER HEARING ABOUT THE DEATHS OF TWO CELEBRITIES RECENTLY, I KNOW IT SENT A SHOCKWAVE THROUGH PEOPLE. I’VE SEEN FACEBOOK STATUS SAYING THEY WERE BOTH COWARDS FOR LEAVING THEIR CHILDREN BEHIND, OR THAT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE GOING THROUGH. I STAND IN THE MIDDLE. I KNOW WHAT MENTAL HEALTH IS LIKE. I KNOW THAT DEPRESSION WILL CONSUME YOU AND TAKE EVERY OUNCE OF WILLPOWER YOU HAVE TO BE HAPPY. I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE EVERYTHING, AND NOTHING AT THE SAME TIME. I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO STAY IN BED FOR WEEKS AT A TIME, TO NOT HAVE AN APPETITE, AND TO PUSH PEOPLE I LOVE AWAY. I KNOW J WAS DEPRESSED, AND HE TURNED TO THINGS THAT WEREN’T GOOD FOR HIM. I DON’T KNOW, AND WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT ANTHONY BOURDAIN OR KATE SPADE WENT THOUGH THAT GOT THEM TO THE POINT THAT THEY DIDN’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE, AND THATS WHAT SO TERRIFYING. SOMETIMES, YOU DON’T SEE IT COMING. I’VE MADE IT MY PERSONAL MISSION TO REACH OUT TO AT LEAST ONE PERSON I KNOW AND TALK TO THEM. ASK THEM HOW THEY’RE DOING, TELL THEM I LOVE THEM, MAYBE MEET THEM OUT FOR COFFEE. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT COULD DO FOR SOMEONE WHO IS SECRETLY BATTLING SOMETHING DARK.

ON A MUCH LIGHTER NOTE, WE’VE STARTED TO PLAN OUR SUMMER OUT. WE’LL BE TICKING OFF ONE THING FROM OUR BUCKET LIST AND GOING TO LAKE TAHOE FOR A FEW DAYS WITH SOME FRIENDS. I’M EXCITED FOR THIS TRIP BECAUSE WE HAVE A REALLY GREAT GROUP OF FRIENDS AND WE ALWAYS HAVE SUCH AN AMAZING TIME WITH THEM. THE WEEK WE GET BACK FROM LAKE TAHOE, WE’LL BE CELEBRATING MAVS FIRST BIRTHDAY. IM ALWAYS A BLUBBERING HOT MESS WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW HE’LL BE ONE ALREADY. I HONESTLY CAN’T HANDLE THE FACT THAT HES GROWING SO QUICKLY. ANY OTHER MAMAS GET LIKE THIS?? I’M NUTS ABOUT PARTY PLANNING AND ALREADY HAVE PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING PLANNED OUT. THIS WILL BE A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY BECAUSE MY MIL AND HER MOM ARE BOTH COMING. MAV AND MY MIL SHARE THE SAME BIRTHDAY AND HIS GREAT NANA’S BIRTHDAY IS TWO DAYS BEFORE. JONATHAN’S COUSIN AND HER BOYFRIEND ARE FLYING IN MY FROM UTAH, AND MY MOM AND SISTER ARE COMING TOO. WE’VE RENTED A HOUSE IN ENCINITAS ON THE WATER AND ARE HAVING THE FOOD CATERED. I’M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO A WEEK FULL OF FUN AND LAUGHTER WITH OUR CLOSEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

LASTLY, THIS OUTFIT. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS LAVENDER PULLOVER. IT’S FROM FREE PEOPLE AND IT’S LIGHTWEIGHT AND COMFY. I PAIRED IT WITH MY FAVORITE WHITE SHORTS, THESE SOLUDOS AND FINISHED IT OFF WITH THESE RAY BANS. THIS IS BASICALLY MY SUMMER UNIFORM. I REALLY LOVE GETTING DRESSED UP, BUT I ALSO REALLY LOVE AN EASY OUTFIT LIKE THIS. THE LESS I HAVE TO DO TO GET READY, THE BETTER. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, MOM LIFE.


UNTIL NEXT TIME

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  1. WHAT AN INSIGHTFUL AND THOUGHT PROVOKING BLOG TODAY. THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THIS UP. dEPRESSION IS AWFUL AND AFFECTS NOT ONLY THOSE WHO ARE EXPERIENCING IT BUT THOSE WHO ARE IN THEIR CIRCLE. I STRUGGLED FOR SO LONG WITH WHAT TO SAY AND HOW TO HELP, AND FINALLY REALIZED I DIDN’T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING AT ALL MOST TIMES.. THAT WHAT THEY NEEDED WAS SOMEONE TO LISTEN..REALLY LISTEN.WE GET SO CAUGHT UP IN OUR EVERYDAY LIVES AND FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE OFTEN LEFT BY THE WAYSIDE. OUR HEART AND INTENTIONS ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE, WE JUST NEED TO MAKE MORE CONCERTED EFFORTS. I ALWAYS TELL MY FRIENDS THAT I AM THERE FOR THEM 24/7, NOT JUST WHEN IT’S CONVENIENT OR EASY.MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN. I LOVE YOU AND I AM PROUD OF YOU AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I WILL ALWAYS PICK UP THAT PHONE. ~MOM